Random Thinks

Sometimes, when I look waaay ahead, I get scared. For one thing, I don’t know exactly what it is I’ll be facing. For another, somehow it seems certain that it’ll be hard. It’s just… overwhelming. As I was thinking about it lately, I realized part of why this happens: why I can handle the hard things that come up today, but freak out about hard things I see coming in the future. See, God provides what we need when we need it. He doesn’t give us strength for every hard time we may face (or every hard time we imagine) at once: He gives it to us one day, one moment, at a time. Hence: do not worry about tomorrow!! You can’t handle it today–you don’t have the strength for it. Yet. And on top of that, it’s pointless. Worse than pointless: not only does it accomplish nothing, it weakens your today, shows a lack of faith in God, is in direct disobedience to His command not to worry, and so on and so forth.

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It’s so important to remember that there’s more going on in people’s lives than what we can see… To remember to be sensitive. There have been a few times when I was struggling hard over something internally, and a careless word by someone was enough to bring me to tears. It wasn’t what they said, really, and I knew that they didn’t intend to hurt me. It was just that with what was going on inside, words that normally wouldn’t have bothered me hurt badly. It’s so easy for me to forget this, though… but He’s teaching me, slowly, of the importance of being careful in my words, even when I can’t see any particular reason to be.

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Before I really started getting to know God, I was in this dreadful state of being caught between two worlds: sick of this earth and all its troubles, and not wanting heaven, either.

This world seemed to have very little good in it… I had very few real friends, and most of the friends I did have were far away. The political and economic world is a mess, which bothered me greatly. (you may not realize it, but I am and pretty much always have been interested in politics.) I saw immorality everywhere, including in me. I felt alone in my desire for something more than simply being a “nice girl.”

I was on the verge of this thing they call “Adulthood”, at eighteen… and yet I felt like neither a child nor an adult. On one hand I was more childish than others my age–and on the other, I was much more mature.

I was trapped. Trapped inside myself, trapped between two worlds: wanting neither. No one noticed, or if they did I never knew they did. I myself hardly realized my dilemma: I lived in it.

Thinking, always thinking. Wondering if anyone else struggled like I did. Wondering where I fit in this world. Wondering what my life would hold. Quietly. Holding it in.

Wanting to know God–but He seemed so far away. Wanting to do right, but failing again and again. Wanting to fit in. Wanting to be noticed. Wanting close friends.

No tears. Just quiet, restless, incessant thoughts.

A heart that pretended to be soft, but was hardened.

Slowly, slowly… He broke through my walls.

Friends, prayers, books…

His word.

Real, not imagined pain.

Bringing me to the end of me.

Breaking me to the point of tears.

Holding my hand.

His glory.

His love.

He brought me out… is bringing me out.

And now I have hope for here. I still see all of the horribleness of this world. I still see the wretchedness of my sin. But I see something more: I see God’s hand, over it all. I see God working, in and through me… and in and through those around me.

And not only do I have hope and joy for here, on earth, I now long for the day when I will finally meet my Savior face to face… when I will be able to see Him, hear Him, feel Him. When I will no longer have the sin… when all the troubles of this world are gone.

Finally, I am beginning to be… in this world, and looking forward to the next.

No longer trapped.

Free, in Him.

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